New Year’s Eve

Oh my god, where should I start?  Maybe with my expectations, which were relatively low.  Low enough for me to wait weeks after the movie’s opening night in early December to see it.  I saw New Year’s Eve on the night before the real New Year’s Eve.  Figured it would be a nice low key way to start the weekend, and get in the mood for the next day. I would also like to use this opportunity to apologize to the four (yes, four) men who agreed to go see this with- believe me, I suffered just as much as all of you did.  It was unbelievably painful to sit through this.  So painful, I was actually wishing I was seeing Valentine’s Day instead (director Garry Marshall’s predecessor to this mess).  Overall I was disappointed with that too (see: my review for Valentine’s Day).   But man, after New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day looks like Citizen Kane.   New Year’s Eve was so bad, I found myself wishing I was watching Sex and the City 2 again (see: my review for Sex and the City 2), because at least with that I could enjoy the outrageous outfits.  New Year’s was filled with lovely ladies- Sofia Vergara, Katherine Heigl, Halle Berry, Jessica Biel- but they were all dressed-down and too plain.  Don’t even get me started on what they did to Michelle Pfeiffer- way to age her 20 more years.  Anyways, I digress.  Why waste time on the lack of fun outfits when we can discuss the stellar story lines…

Sorry, I fell asleep for a moment.  Where was I?  The story lines – they were poorly thought out, poorly written and poorly acted.  Not ONE of them moved me or made me think for a moment I was watching a romantic comedy.  I honestly didn’t know what the hell I was watching half the time, what the purpose of any one thing going on was.  We have Lea Michele, who (don’t you worry, she gets her chance to sing her pretentious little head off) gets stuck in an elevator with this odd character, Ashton Kutcher, who hates New Years Eve for some reason.  I kept waiting for the Phoebe-Cates-explanation-of-why-she-hates-Christmas-in-Gremlins moment, but it never came.  Somehow during their time in captivity these two fall for each other, but the reasons why are really not articulated well to the audience.  They bond over singing and drawings.  Next we have Sarah Jessica Parker fighting in one too many scenes with her daughter Abigail Breslin- who you feel no sympathy for at all.  What pre-teen deserves to roam the streets of NYC on New Years Eve?  This isn’t a supervised prom- it’s nighttime in a goddamn big city with the streets filled with tons of wasted people.  And might I add that Breslin is not aging well, and her little love interest was poorly cast because he was way too cute for her.  Speaking of no chemistry, who the hell is going to believe Sarah Jessica Parker… and Josh Duhamel???  It’s not even about the age difference- get your cougar on, but with someone who deserves it. (see: Dwyane Wade and his 10 years senior girlfriend Gabrielle Union).  The public has a hard enough time believing his marriage to Fergie, I love you girl, but you guys are really an odd couple.  Duhamel looks like he should be dating a younger-looking blonde….oh wait (google: last year’s stripper scandal in Atlanta).  When Parker arrived in that carriage at the end of the movie and they kissed, it looked so awkward I had to look away.

I don’t even have the energy to continue, there were so many things wrong with this film.  Maybe I should try numbering them:

1. Not one thing Sofia Vergara or her Indian sidekick said was funny.  Way to typecast minorities, Garry Marshall,  welcome to 2012…. Please don’t judge Vergara from that absolutely cheesy, awful performance- she plays the sexy Latina role much smarter in Modern Family.
2. Jessica Biel cannot act.  Mr. Marshall this was established in her over-the-top horrible acting in Valentine’s Day.  Let’s just let her look pretty on the red carpet with Justin Timberlake, and let us drool over her body in US Weekly paparazzi beach shots.  Directors of the world need to unite and stop trying to fool her into thinking she can act by casting her.
3. Speaking of, don’t you think Biel and Seth Meyer’s little storyline about having the first baby of the new year would have worked better if it seemed like this was a long-standing competition between them and the other couple, that they had been aware of the competition and trying their best to make it to midnight of the New Year?  It would have seemed sweeter for them to give it up at the end then.  I wasn’t even sure how invested Biel was in winning- one minute she was glaring “It’s on” and the next being the voice of reason and apologizing to the other mom.
4. Why was Bon Jovi in this movie?
5. The next time I cannot sleep, I will YouTube the inspiring, touching, moving (completely cheesy and unnecessary) speech Hilary Swank gives to the city when the ball’s lights are not working.  Ambien, you have competition.
6. Who else was expecting Michele Pfeiffer to have some kind of terminal disease, or for us to find out why she was so weird? Nope, no explanation for her behavior.  She did not deserve Zac Efron’s kiss at the end.
7. How exactly did Bon Jovi win Katherine Heigl back?  By singing a song a year after ditching her?
8. Zac Efron is Sarah Jessica Parker’s little brother?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Who waits 30 years between having children?
9. Who else burst out laughing when Cary Elwes’ and Robert DeNiro’s first lines to each other were: “How much time do I have left, Doc?” “Well, you have refused chemotherapy and all medications…”  Did Marshall hire the writers of All My Children?
10. Who else burst out laughing when the police officer Hilary Swank was talking to turned out to be… Chris “Ludacris” Bridges?
11. Did any of these stars actually read the script before signing up?

OK, enough ripping – let me try to find some good in this movie.  I think Zac Efron was the one shining light and source of entertainment in the film.  Kid can act; he is very charismatic and charming and he really stood out in an otherwise drowning movie.  Also, I WILL ADMIT, I did cry in New Year’s Eve– when Halle Berry starting skyping with her military husband overseas (played by a shaved and almost unrecognizable Common).  I didn’t just tear up, I definitely cried.  But I think that is just me, and not the result of any spectacular acting.  The only time I cried in Valentine’s Day was during the military story line- when Julia Roberts reunites with her son.  Anything involving soldiers and their loved ones will make me cry.  This includes the Folger’s commercial where the young man comes home before Christmas and his little sister puts the bow on him and goes, “You’re my present.”  I can tear up just thinking about it…

Bottom line: don’t see this in theaters, don’t even spend $1.20 when it comes to RedBox, watch this in a couple of years when you are home sick with the flu, on the couch, and nothing else is on TV.  There has been ONE time where the concept of following different-but-somewhat-interwoven-love stories has been successful- He’s Just Not That Into You.  Rent that instead.